Frustration

my bipolar has been acting up lately. I went into solitary mode for a week. Everyone has been calling and checking up on me. Everybody except Rachel, my daughter, she has blocked me from twitter and other stuff that really pisses me off. She won't share with me. She used to get so upset when i didn't pay complete attention to her and now she is pushes me away. She is so stubborn the only way i can play this is to give her the time she needs and not give her a reason to push away even more. I just can't believe this is the same girl that would cry if she couldn't see me in the room. I remember not being able to leave her at birthday parties i had to stay and stay in her sights the whole time or she would freak out. She now freaks out if she thinks i'm stepping over a tiny little line of her privacy. I'm her mother she shouldn't have any privacy from me. Welcome comments.

finding great new blogs

I've been so grateful to the people who follow my blog and send me their comments. it keeps me going. This is going to be a short one my carpal tunnel in both hands is making them virtually useless tomorrow i go to the physical therapist lets pray they can help. The Grobanites made between toys and money over $ 3,000 Grobanites are the best. Especially Grobie4good. My angelic daughter.

Up before the sun AGAIN

Good morning to all the invisible people who read my blog LOL. Can't wait til Saturday's Josh party I have to go out and get a toy my budget doesn't allow for more than that cause I'm bringing a green bean casserole Since everyone has probably had enough of the regular casseroles I'll make my mine with cream of brocolli instead of mushroom and I'll add Colby cheese and make it very crispy. Sounds good too good it's good I have jelly beans in bed with me yummy. I freely admit that I am a jelly bean addict LOL And the real funny part is that rite aid brand are the best jelly beans out there.

Went last night to the 7-11 to get some jellie's last night and the same young homeless man was there as the other night. I told him I would catch him on the way out. He say it was ok cause I gave him the other night. So I went in got my stuff and i went over to him after and gave him 2 bucks and asked him when the last time he ate was. He told me about 2 days so I went to turn around to get the sandwhich I bought to give it to him and he said NO that the pizza guy was going to give him a pizza. JUst then the guy came out and I said, you giving Lexington a pizza cause if not I was going to buy him something. The guy said he would make a pizza later for Lexington.

We chatted for a few minutes and the pizza guy came out with a pizza for Lexington. Lex told me it was because of me that the guy came back out. A matter of machismo. Because I said something that the guy brought out the pizza. I asked Lex if he wanted to sit in my car and eat so he'd get warm. So we talked some more and Lex offered me a piece I took the smallest one. I asked Lex did he need blankets, sock, etc I put my hand on his hand and said I would bring him something every time I came up that way. You know what he did? He cried. He told me how much he appreciated everything I was doing for him. The fact that I physically reached out to touch his hand, I didn't treat him like dirt but like a real human being. He took it the way I meant it just as a gesture of friendship. INSIDE of me I had the biggest smile. I have all these quilts downstairs so I'll bring a couple for him and his buddies. And what ever else I could get. The tears just ran down his face as he opened the car door and disappeared into the could rainy night.
Namaste my friends

Well yesterday I found my son had moved to california. There was a picture of him and he looks well. I called his cell phone and left a message but I don't think I'll hear back from him. But that's ok he has that right. I'm just glad he's seems happy with his life. Wish I was a part of it but that ok. It took me 25 years with my own parents so I will give him some leeway. Although they were abusive motherfuckers but maybe he thinks I was only he knows what is in his mind. I will love him till the day I die I write to him in my journing all the time I hope he has the gumption to read them after my death. Which I hope will be a very long time. I have survived so much I will survive this too.

I took a little oxy but I still think I need more. ARGHHHHH So much pain. 1:15pm taking a little more I feel like I'm in hell --- need to pray to the goddess to help me out still annoyed I can't find the cd book of shadows. I know I put it in a case just don't don't which one arghh. Been Talking to Michele from Twitter she got her SSI just from IC. But I shall remain positive 0k that's all for now. Going to be up early tomorrow visit Heather at work.

Blessed be

I'm middle aged but my heart is young

It's easier to read the larger print. Ok I'm old I see that but tonight I'm hanging out with Heather who is 21 and we have no problem with our friendship it's actually really great. We are supposed to go to see Cassandra's Crossing Heavy Metal Band at Mystikal Voyage. She's at work and wants to go home to get ready for the concert tonight. She lives quite a distance but I have no problem picking her up. I found my daily journal and wrote in it stuff that I won't write here only because I wouldn't want to hurt anyones feelings or stuff that maybe I'm ashamed of feeling. Hmmm first time I've looked into that area. Maybe I could explore that with dr. Michael the pagan therapist that I've been thinking about seeing.

He's a pagan. He's a therapist although not an MSW like me. But hey that's ok. He can probably still help me. With a pagan I don't have to explain that visitation from grandpa Sam is real and I'm not psychotic. At least not from seeing him. LOL.

OMG Marc can be so freakin annoying He came into my room to tell me he was dropping Gilda off at CVS and I asked for Jelly Beans and he told me he wasn't going inside I was like ok. Then I started to talk to him and he just walked out and I was like excuse me and he said what was I going to say and I said I forgot. He was annoyed and said he didn't want to play the I can't remember game. I told him it wasn't a game that I have MS and brain lessions that cause memory loss. Believe me I wish it was a game but I explained to him that's why I have journals all over the place and have several blogs because I can't remember and Goddess do I wish I could remember it's such a debilitating feeling not to remember.

Any way I'm feeling really relaxed. Meds hard at work. I wish that I didn't feel so much need for the pain meds but have no choice because of how long I've been on them for over 15 years. That's a long time.

Well here's an interesting new thing in my world Marc has announced that he loves me omg am I that stupid but then I did tell him that the only person that really believes that is Catt. I told him that I was finally happy and he crushed it with his bullshit crap yesterday morning when Catt came over to hang out. After I convinced her to come and hang out. I told him that after I get my disability maybe I should just move out. He said I didn't have too. Interesting (will handwrite the what that really means too personal)

I realized that the scanner is an A+ copier both color and black and white. While I was talking to Marc earlier he told me he needed something printed out, I said I was going to buy a new thumb disc and he said he would buy me one. Hmmm that's interesting to me.. He may not understand many things like real emotions, he tries to imitate what he sees I know there's an actual like diagnosis for what his problem actually is called.

Heather cant' be too annoyed about not going out I told her at 4:30 - Early enough for her to change plans she was funky about it but too bad if she couldn't handle it. I just wanted to hang out here. I hope that Catt calls me if I don't hear from her by 9pm I will call her. Tell her about my conversation with Barbara she'll get a kick. But the truth is we keep talking about getting together so I want to make it so. She's fun. I have three sets of friends. I don't know if that's stupid or not but One set is the kids [- 20-30) they are fun and not judgemental. then (35- 60)Pagan and not but more into what I'm into. Guys Nough said.

It's Wednesday

Brooke came by and visited for a while it was really nice seeing her after so many years. She's in a scary place in her life. She recently lost her grandfather and is affecting her father where she is really concered more later.

Namaste Jo

Friends are Forever Nov 17, 2009

Well things just keep getting so much better. I just heard from Brooke one of Rachel's friends from high school that became my friend years ago I was so happy to hear her voice. She's coming over tomorrow for lunch. Earlier Marc told me that David Aunt Erm's son just got married he is a surprise wrapped an enigma. Nikki left a message that Jack really likes the tea I made. I think I am going to have a new little hobby by making tea bags specifically for different ailments. Headaches, sinus problems, relaxation etc. So the abilify is working and my positive attitude makes more positive attitude. I don't mind no one reads this blog cause I know where it is and I print it out and glue it my journal so I remember things that happen.

Nikki paid her phone bill she is so sweet at least I don't have to bother her constantly. I hate to have to bother people. Catt also did her share. I'll need her before the end of the month but maybe not I hope not. Her son was in the hospital Byron and Brandon has to wear the anklet two more months. But Brian Jr is doing ok I guess. He's graduated high school and I don't think he has a job, but he's such a good boy.

This Facebook stuff is also kind of neat. People I haven't heard from in forever suddenly back in my life it's so kewl. I don't think I'll make it to NC for Thanksgiving my stye is still pretty active and I've been exhausted. I'll call mitchell later and talk to him about the whole thing.

Yesterday went with Catt to the hospital and then we met Ryan at the turning wheel and he bought me all sorts of really great stuff. Life is so wonderful.

Namaste JoDee

Friends are always there for you if you just ask

I had been feeling a little pity party for myself recently Money Troubles, Family Troubles, Health you get the idea. I'm always there for everyone else, I thought to myself. No one ever does for me. Well I was wrong. You can crawl into a shell where no one will see you and then you don't get any help at all. Or you can in conversation in a non whiney way say something like, "Hey you know I'm kind a short this month and it would really be great if you could ________________.
I prayed on this and did a pagan money spell along with throwing some Tarot. That first one was horrible it showed all sorts of ways I block others from helping. So I started asking, and low and behold my friends appeared. My close friends, my pagan friends, my family, some of these people I've known for years but just on the Internet and they all responded with whatever they could do.

My spirit was so uplifted to know that the Goddess has been there watching over me and not letting me get to a bad place. The only area of negativity was my ex husband I guess he's not happy that he has to pay the exorbitant premium on my health care. I don't think when he made the deal that he would be paying this long on my health insurance. But he was cold in his email, I guess that's the only way he can deal with difficult things in his life. He has his daughter in knots about not talking about him to me, I feel so sad for her. Especially after the whole Poppy funeral debacle.

Rachel was afraid to talk to me cause her dad asked her to let him tell me that poppy passed away only he didn't seem to quite get around to it. I finally left a voice message to my kid saying I was going to start calling family and friends and even the police that's how worried I was for her especially her father. A little while later the phone rang and it was my ex and he explained that dad had died and he asked our kid not to say anything but obviously she felt she couldn't talk to me cause I was instantly know something was wrong. She was afraid I'd be angry. I told her, "I'm the one who says I'm so sorry for your loss" never be afraid to tell me anything I only want the best for you. You listened to your dad and showed him the respect he needed and I was not angry or upset with her at all. My angel shouldering all that when the ex could have just called told me of the death and that I wasn't welcome at the funeral.

He didn't need a reason it was his dad, I was upset that he waited almost 2 weeks after the funeral to call and then only because I threatened to get extreme if I didn't hear from my child.. I did write a long what I thought was beautiful letter to my ex mother in law about what a great person Dad Was. I never heard back anything so I let it go to god. Anyway back to the FRIENDS

So many doing so many different things for me, I could just cry with joy I can't believe I never asked for help before. You are all such beautiful souls. I will not let people who are negative get at me. I'm better than that. To all my friends.

Namaste,
Ita Keyley
JoDee

up and atem

haven't been writing much. just got out of a hot bed had the heater on to cold bathroom. Visited Evie and Doda and Heather today. I ended up falling asleep and Evie took care of me it was such a wonderful comfortating feeling they are all such beautiful people so caring and I believe sent by goddess to help me get through the rough times.

Their house is awesome and beautiful and well maintained I felt so comfortable there. We hung out had pizza, it was bliss. And they have the cutest little doggies that really helped make me feel extra comfortable.

Still havent' gotten together with Nikki but I will today and i'll check up on Catt about what time she needs to be at the doctors on Monday.

Feeling much Better

So Next months bill on phone is going to better than this month which was 360 this month I wonder I hopedamn it.................. talk to ya tomorrow

Pain and Bliss

It's a wierd freakin day. The dental company turned down my application for financial help for the dental work. Unfucking believable. I'm so frustrated. That is the Pain. The Bliss is the fact that I believe something good is in store for me. Goddess is strong in my heart One door closes and another opens. I just have to be smart enough to see it and choose correctly. Been studying all the herbs and stuff to understand the poisonous, medicinal, magical etc I got Cunninghams new Book of Shadows which has a section on herbs, it's great. I'm putting stuff in my book of shadows and using internet sources and other books so what I'm putting in MY book of Shadows is what I deem important not just blindly believing other sources. Especially for Magical use It's my intent it's what I impart on what I've written and what I want to use it for. If this does not make sense it's a wiccan thing and maybe too different.

The herb class I went to was run by Bunky who now putts REV in front of his name and spends his time teaching - He won the lottery several years ago $87 Milliondollars. I wasn't impressd with him before he was arrogent and said something rude to catt when we met him like 5 years ago but he has a stong opinion on everything I think he's always been like that I don't think it's the money I am sure that things in his life have changed but He dovoted himself to the craft. His class was a little too long. but there was breaks and I met several people and exchanged phone numbers. I'm trying to be more social,

Namaste JoDee

plaxo

A high school friend asked me to sign up for plaxo not sure exactly what it is but I figure that connecting with old friends is always a good idea. I received my masters of social work in 1996 after my children were grown and unfortunatley became disabled and have been fighting for government acknowledgement. I have a disorder known as Interstitial Cystitis *which is undergoing a name change that I don't agree with but am in the minority. I spent my whole life being to being told I was imagining my symptoms until my ovary burst one and suddenly I was told hey you really are sick sorry and yet still have have an uphill battle getting people to believe that yes this is an incurable disease in 1996 my best friend committed suicice after being diagnosed with this disease and still was told it was all in our heads. Only recently has it begun to be recognized as an actually disorder realted to auto immune disorders like fibromyable, lupus, asthma,etc.
Namast.
Jo

The Days are Long The Nights are Longer

ok I wrote this once and then deleted it and feel like a royal idiot. It's been a long Summer more at night They seemed to go so very slow. My gallbladder had to be removed in the beginning of August. I was shocked it took 2 hospitalizations for that to happen. Then last week I was back in hosp again. With the health care crisis I am blessed to have insurance but oh boy the copay each time $100 for the ER and $100 for each admit that doesn't begin to cover the radiologist who read the ex-rays etc etc. Then I broke a tooth and even with insurance it'll cost me almost $2000. Getting sleepy finally Namaste,
JoDee

The Voice that Saved a generation

I am so glad that I got my ipod the speakers, now there are more ways to hear the god of music Josh Groban. So I guess that makes me a grobanite living in grobania following a wiccan heart. Iam never sure if anyone reads this or is it only me. Which is fine because it helps with my journalling (is that a word)
I am breathing better and the pain is started to go away and with this gallbladder missing I am supposed to go back to the diet that put me in this position in the first place. But weird thing is that my bladder likes this new diet, I've sorta put myself on an easy to digest food plan. I know that I need to go back to the surgeon for a look see, since When I was in the hospital (the first time)she came by to tell me I needed to be seen. Especially with the fact that I blew an internal stitch some 4 odd years out.

Home From the Hospital

It seems as though I have no official list of people who read my blog, so this would be a good place to put down my thoughts when I get into trouble writing by hand. Which is the preferred method for my journal. But I'll just cut and paste inside and then print it all out and glue it to the book or use as an alternate method of adding to journal and print the stuff up and put them together as they're very important to me.

So begins this journal entry. Came home from the hospital last night after they gave me a shot of demerol and I had a little something to eat. Marc was going to get my pain medication this morning and did in fact go out to the store when he came back from Aunt Zel's breakfast. There are no scoring marks on the pill, but I guess that just because they filled with generic. I have a pill splitter so will see how that works out. If not I'll have to take it whole and see how that works.

I'm glad I finally figured out how to log on to this journal without all the confusion, so many accounts and passwords to remember and frustration on my part. My neck is spasming so I'm going to lay down for a little while.

Getting Ready For Surgery

The night Before..... Yes I am nervous the gallbladder is coming out ok w/that but will they be able to take it out laproscopically with min. of trauma to the body. If they run into problems because I'm different inside because of the gastric bypass in '05 - They'll open me up all the way - that'll keep me in the hospital for a week. so I'm putting it out there in the universe that goddess watch over me and keep me safe.

Missing my Josh Blog

I just got my 6 year patch from FOJG.com Josh Groban as I renewed my membership. They are revamping the website so I can't get into the blog area. Ugh how frustrating. I can't wait for the new album and the new direction he is going in. I doubt he could sing anything that I wouldn't love. I can't wait for our next grobie meeting. It'll probably be around christmas. We collect toys and the marines come to the party and pick them up. I heard last year they had to come back the next day because we had so much stuff. We try and not just be Grobanites but work on charities. Josh has his foundation and we raise money for that to help clean water in Africa and here at home for the kids. 8/16/09 Sunday

Fibromyalgia

Been reading up on it on the web and in a book called Prescriptions for Natural Healing which is definitely out of date no information in L-Threonine and Theanine there is a new edition out. I saw it at the local Russian Pharmacy for only $22. Tomorrow I'll go check it out and see if it mentions the new amino acids I've been reading about on the web. I can't try and the amino acids or DHEA until after the operation on the 20th. It's weird vitamins and herbs and nutritional suppliments have to be stopped a week before, I guess they don't understand and think it may interfere with the gallbladder. I can continue all 15 medications how bizarre is that.

Frustration

I offer to take Marc out to dinner but he's got the phone shoved up his Ass with Gilda so he asked me to wait a few minutes but this is fucked up. I'm hungry now!!! Well he's off the phone lets see what bullshit he says he has plans with mommy for dinner and of course I'm not invited because he says when he invites me I say no so there is no invitation for me. That's fine she's annoying anyway.

Beautiful day

Well it's a new day I think the new antidepressant is beginning to work. He put me on Wellbutrin and I wasn't very optimistic but after a week I'm feeling so much better. I look out my window and see the trees blowing in the wind and it just makes me smile.

My daughter called on Friday - that's our agreed upon day to speak with each other. I told her that the surgery would be on Thursday and she just said, "good luck" (because she says that is what I tell her is proper) She made no attempt to say she would visit me before or after the surgery. I know she's so busy with her house,job, and school. But she has never pushed me away this far before. She invited me to her new house but only during the week after work. I haven't a clue as to why I can't see her on the weekends at her house.

I made an effort last week and invited her to Cheesecake Factory, she was too tire from her company picnic. Strike One.
Never got a get well card or even a birthday card. Strick Two

Lets hope she becomes reasonable and there is no third strick. I am very happy for her getting out in the world, buying a house but I know there's something else going on. She has a hard time hiding things from me so there's something. I think I'll throw Tarot and see if that helps me decipher her actions.

Finally getting my Gallbladder out

got my date for my gallbladder surgery. Next thursday august 20th then I'll be better than new. Not sure how this blog thing really works like getting people to read what I've written. But for now it's kewl just to keep things straight for myself. It'll fall on the Dark Moon and that is Hecate's strong point. She is the Goddess of virgin, woman, old crone. I am her daughter and she will watch over me and for that I am very grateful.

where have all the flowers gone?

Sometimes I wonder why we spend so much of our time being angry at the government or religions, or our friends and other people. Yes there are psychic vampires as I like to call them out there. I have one - she tries every last nerve and I can only speak to her once a year if that! Tomorrow she is have a very serious surgery and I pray to goddess she will be ok, it's a shame she's not getting a personality change LOL.

So here I am went to the surgeon today and my liver enzimes where great. So I'm healthy and the twist they are going to take out my gall bladder because it's blocked. I spent a week in hospital and back again for more surgery. I have confidence in my doctor and I've already had a 2nd opinion. (which my hmo didn't cover) Any way just trying out this new blog.

Blessed Be
JO