Well today was an interesting day. I got friended by a really nice man in his 30's from overseas. His picture shows him to be adorable. He makes me feel really good about myself!! (Don't worry Marc I still love you above all else) but this was so good for my self-esteem so last night I got my sleeping meds wish they worked all through the night they only last about 4-6 hours. Have so much I have to do but my phobia's are really in force. I miss my daughter so much. I pray each day that God return her spirit to me. Maybe by the new year. But I don't think it will happen. I just have to accept that she is not now nor never will be again apart of my life. So God please watch over her and protect her She's really a very good person.
Namaste
Jo
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Oxymoron
Just a quick note. I tried to sign up for a website for disable people and it took me so long to fill out the form the site said try again later. It's going to take the same amount of time. It's silly if you are for helping disabilities there should be no time limit. Especially for Traumatic brain injuries. JoDee
Awake Early Again
Good Morning: So the interstitial cystitis gets me again. Once I'm awake then I get hungry have to watch the diabetic stuff. So many disabilities trying to get SSD I have literally had to think medical 24hours a day. How do I define myself? I can't get SSI unless I'm homeless (what the hell is that about?)
Emotionally I'm so shaken up. In November I was in the hospital - did I write about this already? My daughter always accused me of repeating myself = well I do because I can't remember. So back to Nov. my friend found me virtually in a coma - I couldn't communicate, take meds, eat, drink or go to bathroom. I remember the TV being on and knowing something was wrong = the pictures were moving and talking to me like an Alice in Wonderland. There was nothing I could do I could hear Marc at first but couldn't react. When he told me he was going to call 911 at that point - I totally checked out. (One of the Rabbi's in the hospital said to me that I'd had a lot of trauma and my mind decided to go to a hotel!!!)
Marc fought to have me put in Neurology and not Mental Health cause he had never seen me like this. I don't remember the ambulance coming, or being in the ER or even tests like bloodwork. I'm a hard stick and they tried to go in my groin *no memory of this at all. I was black and blue on both arms, hands and groin. I remember someone putting a straw in my mouth and I drank until it was air. It was horrible and frightening. I know that they ran MRI or CAT scans I hate the tubes and for that I'm glad I don't remember. After a week I agreed to go to the Mental Health Unit.
Because I had not had all my meds in I don't know how long. I figured this would get me back in game. I hate to say this but I'm on 6 different psychiatric meds. I'm bi-polar, anxiety ridden, Phobic, OCD, somewhat agoraphobic, I have massive dreams that scare me. Oh I'm sure there's more too. I try and keep good attitude but it's depressing and frustrating.
In July my daughter disowned me = my son did it over 9 years ago I thought I was a good mom I just don't know. Then Louis age 39 died in a scuba diving accident, Heather age 25 died in a car accident. So 3 horrible things and maybe more that I don't remember. Well that's it for now - thanks for reading
Namaste Jo
Emotionally I'm so shaken up. In November I was in the hospital - did I write about this already? My daughter always accused me of repeating myself = well I do because I can't remember. So back to Nov. my friend found me virtually in a coma - I couldn't communicate, take meds, eat, drink or go to bathroom. I remember the TV being on and knowing something was wrong = the pictures were moving and talking to me like an Alice in Wonderland. There was nothing I could do I could hear Marc at first but couldn't react. When he told me he was going to call 911 at that point - I totally checked out. (One of the Rabbi's in the hospital said to me that I'd had a lot of trauma and my mind decided to go to a hotel!!!)
Marc fought to have me put in Neurology and not Mental Health cause he had never seen me like this. I don't remember the ambulance coming, or being in the ER or even tests like bloodwork. I'm a hard stick and they tried to go in my groin *no memory of this at all. I was black and blue on both arms, hands and groin. I remember someone putting a straw in my mouth and I drank until it was air. It was horrible and frightening. I know that they ran MRI or CAT scans I hate the tubes and for that I'm glad I don't remember. After a week I agreed to go to the Mental Health Unit.
Because I had not had all my meds in I don't know how long. I figured this would get me back in game. I hate to say this but I'm on 6 different psychiatric meds. I'm bi-polar, anxiety ridden, Phobic, OCD, somewhat agoraphobic, I have massive dreams that scare me. Oh I'm sure there's more too. I try and keep good attitude but it's depressing and frustrating.
In July my daughter disowned me = my son did it over 9 years ago I thought I was a good mom I just don't know. Then Louis age 39 died in a scuba diving accident, Heather age 25 died in a car accident. So 3 horrible things and maybe more that I don't remember. Well that's it for now - thanks for reading
Namaste Jo
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Well it's been awhile (or so the Staind song goes) I have some difficulty with my ability to communicate and write since way back in 2011- Have been hospitalized about 4 times. This last time I was taken by ambulance I was in a catatonic state. I am blessed to live with someone who was watching out of for me and call 911. I have no recollection of any of it. I sort of "woke" up several days later in the neurology Unit at the hospital. All I really remember is someone putting a straw up to my lips and me drinking like there was no tomorrow!!
I was black and blue all over from where they tried to get blood and put a line in. I'm grateful actually that I don't remember that. They even tried a center line in my groin!!! After all the brain stuff - they decided I could use to be in the Mental Health Unit to get my meds straightened out since I had not been taking them due to being in a catatonic state. I was still really out of it when they brought the papers for me to be a voluntary inpatient. I really didn't have a problem with it, I wanted to get straightened out and go home.
I was in St. Joe's unit in July 2012. I was at an appt with my Shrink and became incoherent so he sent me to the ER to be admitted. So I spent 2 weeks there. This was right before my beautiful Heather Passed away after a car accident. And Marc's brother in law passed after a scuba diving accident. I guess after all of that is it any wonder I decided to mentally check out?
So there's more that I haven't remembered - I did have relearn to read and write but that came back quicker than my memories. My son disowned me almost 8 years ago and my Rachel right before her 30th birthday this year. For all the pain Rachel has inflicted on me she has the nerve to tell me I'm the problem. Even when I was in the hospital she refused to acknowledge me. I am finally realizing that you know what it's not me it's her. I have the right to be angry. I almost died and she didn't give a crap. They say what you send out in the universe comes back at you three fold - I don't wish her any harm but it will come back at her.
Jo .
I was black and blue all over from where they tried to get blood and put a line in. I'm grateful actually that I don't remember that. They even tried a center line in my groin!!! After all the brain stuff - they decided I could use to be in the Mental Health Unit to get my meds straightened out since I had not been taking them due to being in a catatonic state. I was still really out of it when they brought the papers for me to be a voluntary inpatient. I really didn't have a problem with it, I wanted to get straightened out and go home.
I was in St. Joe's unit in July 2012. I was at an appt with my Shrink and became incoherent so he sent me to the ER to be admitted. So I spent 2 weeks there. This was right before my beautiful Heather Passed away after a car accident. And Marc's brother in law passed after a scuba diving accident. I guess after all of that is it any wonder I decided to mentally check out?
So there's more that I haven't remembered - I did have relearn to read and write but that came back quicker than my memories. My son disowned me almost 8 years ago and my Rachel right before her 30th birthday this year. For all the pain Rachel has inflicted on me she has the nerve to tell me I'm the problem. Even when I was in the hospital she refused to acknowledge me. I am finally realizing that you know what it's not me it's her. I have the right to be angry. I almost died and she didn't give a crap. They say what you send out in the universe comes back at you three fold - I don't wish her any harm but it will come back at her.
Jo .
Friday, April 15, 2011
no sleep for eh wicked
Meds are off a little so not sleeping well. Went out to dinner with zach and Nikki. jack finally told Mom he wants help which his parents are going to help him get but he'll have a tough weekend. what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I'm going to try to keep up with the blog instead of one blog then wait a year. That sucks. Rachel didn't call tonight I am upset but I have good friends. Goddess bless. For the those who call me. Momma Jo and those who call me Jo
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Oh my Goddess and I mean a true one like Kali
Good gracias Iam obnoxious I love Bravo's Housewives. I've been obsessed with them. Was in the hospital two weeks ago then a friend/someone I knew died of a crack overdose. Or heart failure. I don't think anyone even reads what I write even though I haven't written in over a year here online. I keep a real physical journal. I don't even know what to write knowing that noone reads it. Sometimes I'm so lonely my new name Mamma Jo
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
It's been awhile
I like to make my font larger and in color so there. I found my son he called me a few months ago since no one reads this I feel a freedomhere that is great. I am so proud of him I hope he's happy and doesn't hurt himself or anyone else. Josh is coming here and I have no extra money or anyone to go with anyone want to go let me know. I go for surgery for my bladder on March 28th - The SSI people don't see that I'm disabled I just don't understand but the spirits that visit me at night have no new suggestions except to tell people about them they are real they are there. My roommate/boyfriend is sick and cranky high fever cough. His niece was sick, Nicki was sick so where else could he have gotten it from ANYWHERE.
Had a great conversation short as it was with daughter it's left me happy all week.Does she know how much she can make happy. (Oh there he goes coughing again poor thing) I print these out and put them in my journal. I have at this time over the last few years 100 journals all together over since I'm 16 maybe 400 journals wow that's a lot but not all filled in lots of contradictions and repeats. Daughter doesn't like repeats but I have MS as if you read my blog you know and I repeat but other people do it too all around me. If you read my blog let me know.
I miss Jiggy (puppy on Housewives of Beverly Hills) so beautiful. that's it for now Goddess loves you.
Namaste
JoDee (ita keyley) my wiccan name
Had a great conversation short as it was with daughter it's left me happy all week.Does she know how much she can make happy. (Oh there he goes coughing again poor thing) I print these out and put them in my journal. I have at this time over the last few years 100 journals all together over since I'm 16 maybe 400 journals wow that's a lot but not all filled in lots of contradictions and repeats. Daughter doesn't like repeats but I have MS as if you read my blog you know and I repeat but other people do it too all around me. If you read my blog let me know.
I miss Jiggy (puppy on Housewives of Beverly Hills) so beautiful. that's it for now Goddess loves you.
Namaste
JoDee (ita keyley) my wiccan name
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