Thursday, December 31, 2009
Frustration
my bipolar has been acting up lately. I went into solitary mode for a week. Everyone has been calling and checking up on me. Everybody except Rachel, my daughter, she has blocked me from twitter and other stuff that really pisses me off. She won't share with me. She used to get so upset when i didn't pay complete attention to her and now she is pushes me away. She is so stubborn the only way i can play this is to give her the time she needs and not give her a reason to push away even more. I just can't believe this is the same girl that would cry if she couldn't see me in the room. I remember not being able to leave her at birthday parties i had to stay and stay in her sights the whole time or she would freak out. She now freaks out if she thinks i'm stepping over a tiny little line of her privacy. I'm her mother she shouldn't have any privacy from me. Welcome comments.
Monday, December 14, 2009
finding great new blogs
I've been so grateful to the people who follow my blog and send me their comments. it keeps me going. This is going to be a short one my carpal tunnel in both hands is making them virtually useless tomorrow i go to the physical therapist lets pray they can help. The Grobanites made between toys and money over $ 3,000 Grobanites are the best. Especially Grobie4good. My angelic daughter.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Up before the sun AGAIN
Good morning to all the invisible people who read my blog LOL. Can't wait til Saturday's Josh party I have to go out and get a toy my budget doesn't allow for more than that cause I'm bringing a green bean casserole Since everyone has probably had enough of the regular casseroles I'll make my mine with cream of brocolli instead of mushroom and I'll add Colby cheese and make it very crispy. Sounds good too good it's good I have jelly beans in bed with me yummy. I freely admit that I am a jelly bean addict LOL And the real funny part is that rite aid brand are the best jelly beans out there.
Went last night to the 7-11 to get some jellie's last night and the same young homeless man was there as the other night. I told him I would catch him on the way out. He say it was ok cause I gave him the other night. So I went in got my stuff and i went over to him after and gave him 2 bucks and asked him when the last time he ate was. He told me about 2 days so I went to turn around to get the sandwhich I bought to give it to him and he said NO that the pizza guy was going to give him a pizza. JUst then the guy came out and I said, you giving Lexington a pizza cause if not I was going to buy him something. The guy said he would make a pizza later for Lexington.
We chatted for a few minutes and the pizza guy came out with a pizza for Lexington. Lex told me it was because of me that the guy came back out. A matter of machismo. Because I said something that the guy brought out the pizza. I asked Lex if he wanted to sit in my car and eat so he'd get warm. So we talked some more and Lex offered me a piece I took the smallest one. I asked Lex did he need blankets, sock, etc I put my hand on his hand and said I would bring him something every time I came up that way. You know what he did? He cried. He told me how much he appreciated everything I was doing for him. The fact that I physically reached out to touch his hand, I didn't treat him like dirt but like a real human being. He took it the way I meant it just as a gesture of friendship. INSIDE of me I had the biggest smile. I have all these quilts downstairs so I'll bring a couple for him and his buddies. And what ever else I could get. The tears just ran down his face as he opened the car door and disappeared into the could rainy night.
Namaste my friends
Went last night to the 7-11 to get some jellie's last night and the same young homeless man was there as the other night. I told him I would catch him on the way out. He say it was ok cause I gave him the other night. So I went in got my stuff and i went over to him after and gave him 2 bucks and asked him when the last time he ate was. He told me about 2 days so I went to turn around to get the sandwhich I bought to give it to him and he said NO that the pizza guy was going to give him a pizza. JUst then the guy came out and I said, you giving Lexington a pizza cause if not I was going to buy him something. The guy said he would make a pizza later for Lexington.
We chatted for a few minutes and the pizza guy came out with a pizza for Lexington. Lex told me it was because of me that the guy came back out. A matter of machismo. Because I said something that the guy brought out the pizza. I asked Lex if he wanted to sit in my car and eat so he'd get warm. So we talked some more and Lex offered me a piece I took the smallest one. I asked Lex did he need blankets, sock, etc I put my hand on his hand and said I would bring him something every time I came up that way. You know what he did? He cried. He told me how much he appreciated everything I was doing for him. The fact that I physically reached out to touch his hand, I didn't treat him like dirt but like a real human being. He took it the way I meant it just as a gesture of friendship. INSIDE of me I had the biggest smile. I have all these quilts downstairs so I'll bring a couple for him and his buddies. And what ever else I could get. The tears just ran down his face as he opened the car door and disappeared into the could rainy night.
Namaste my friends
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Well yesterday I found my son had moved to california. There was a picture of him and he looks well. I called his cell phone and left a message but I don't think I'll hear back from him. But that's ok he has that right. I'm just glad he's seems happy with his life. Wish I was a part of it but that ok. It took me 25 years with my own parents so I will give him some leeway. Although they were abusive motherfuckers but maybe he thinks I was only he knows what is in his mind. I will love him till the day I die I write to him in my journing all the time I hope he has the gumption to read them after my death. Which I hope will be a very long time. I have survived so much I will survive this too.
I took a little oxy but I still think I need more. ARGHHHHH So much pain. 1:15pm taking a little more I feel like I'm in hell --- need to pray to the goddess to help me out still annoyed I can't find the cd book of shadows. I know I put it in a case just don't don't which one arghh. Been Talking to Michele from Twitter she got her SSI just from IC. But I shall remain positive 0k that's all for now. Going to be up early tomorrow visit Heather at work.
Blessed be
I took a little oxy but I still think I need more. ARGHHHHH So much pain. 1:15pm taking a little more I feel like I'm in hell --- need to pray to the goddess to help me out still annoyed I can't find the cd book of shadows. I know I put it in a case just don't don't which one arghh. Been Talking to Michele from Twitter she got her SSI just from IC. But I shall remain positive 0k that's all for now. Going to be up early tomorrow visit Heather at work.
Blessed be
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I'm middle aged but my heart is young
It's easier to read the larger print. Ok I'm old I see that but tonight I'm hanging out with Heather who is 21 and we have no problem with our friendship it's actually really great. We are supposed to go to see Cassandra's Crossing Heavy Metal Band at Mystikal Voyage. She's at work and wants to go home to get ready for the concert tonight. She lives quite a distance but I have no problem picking her up. I found my daily journal and wrote in it stuff that I won't write here only because I wouldn't want to hurt anyones feelings or stuff that maybe I'm ashamed of feeling. Hmmm first time I've looked into that area. Maybe I could explore that with dr. Michael the pagan therapist that I've been thinking about seeing.
He's a pagan. He's a therapist although not an MSW like me. But hey that's ok. He can probably still help me. With a pagan I don't have to explain that visitation from grandpa Sam is real and I'm not psychotic. At least not from seeing him. LOL.
OMG Marc can be so freakin annoying He came into my room to tell me he was dropping Gilda off at CVS and I asked for Jelly Beans and he told me he wasn't going inside I was like ok. Then I started to talk to him and he just walked out and I was like excuse me and he said what was I going to say and I said I forgot. He was annoyed and said he didn't want to play the I can't remember game. I told him it wasn't a game that I have MS and brain lessions that cause memory loss. Believe me I wish it was a game but I explained to him that's why I have journals all over the place and have several blogs because I can't remember and Goddess do I wish I could remember it's such a debilitating feeling not to remember.
Any way I'm feeling really relaxed. Meds hard at work. I wish that I didn't feel so much need for the pain meds but have no choice because of how long I've been on them for over 15 years. That's a long time.
Well here's an interesting new thing in my world Marc has announced that he loves me omg am I that stupid but then I did tell him that the only person that really believes that is Catt. I told him that I was finally happy and he crushed it with his bullshit crap yesterday morning when Catt came over to hang out. After I convinced her to come and hang out. I told him that after I get my disability maybe I should just move out. He said I didn't have too. Interesting (will handwrite the what that really means too personal)
I realized that the scanner is an A+ copier both color and black and white. While I was talking to Marc earlier he told me he needed something printed out, I said I was going to buy a new thumb disc and he said he would buy me one. Hmmm that's interesting to me.. He may not understand many things like real emotions, he tries to imitate what he sees I know there's an actual like diagnosis for what his problem actually is called.
Heather cant' be too annoyed about not going out I told her at 4:30 - Early enough for her to change plans she was funky about it but too bad if she couldn't handle it. I just wanted to hang out here. I hope that Catt calls me if I don't hear from her by 9pm I will call her. Tell her about my conversation with Barbara she'll get a kick. But the truth is we keep talking about getting together so I want to make it so. She's fun. I have three sets of friends. I don't know if that's stupid or not but One set is the kids [- 20-30) they are fun and not judgemental. then (35- 60)Pagan and not but more into what I'm into. Guys Nough said.
He's a pagan. He's a therapist although not an MSW like me. But hey that's ok. He can probably still help me. With a pagan I don't have to explain that visitation from grandpa Sam is real and I'm not psychotic. At least not from seeing him. LOL.
OMG Marc can be so freakin annoying He came into my room to tell me he was dropping Gilda off at CVS and I asked for Jelly Beans and he told me he wasn't going inside I was like ok. Then I started to talk to him and he just walked out and I was like excuse me and he said what was I going to say and I said I forgot. He was annoyed and said he didn't want to play the I can't remember game. I told him it wasn't a game that I have MS and brain lessions that cause memory loss. Believe me I wish it was a game but I explained to him that's why I have journals all over the place and have several blogs because I can't remember and Goddess do I wish I could remember it's such a debilitating feeling not to remember.
Any way I'm feeling really relaxed. Meds hard at work. I wish that I didn't feel so much need for the pain meds but have no choice because of how long I've been on them for over 15 years. That's a long time.
Well here's an interesting new thing in my world Marc has announced that he loves me omg am I that stupid but then I did tell him that the only person that really believes that is Catt. I told him that I was finally happy and he crushed it with his bullshit crap yesterday morning when Catt came over to hang out. After I convinced her to come and hang out. I told him that after I get my disability maybe I should just move out. He said I didn't have too. Interesting (will handwrite the what that really means too personal)
I realized that the scanner is an A+ copier both color and black and white. While I was talking to Marc earlier he told me he needed something printed out, I said I was going to buy a new thumb disc and he said he would buy me one. Hmmm that's interesting to me.. He may not understand many things like real emotions, he tries to imitate what he sees I know there's an actual like diagnosis for what his problem actually is called.
Heather cant' be too annoyed about not going out I told her at 4:30 - Early enough for her to change plans she was funky about it but too bad if she couldn't handle it. I just wanted to hang out here. I hope that Catt calls me if I don't hear from her by 9pm I will call her. Tell her about my conversation with Barbara she'll get a kick. But the truth is we keep talking about getting together so I want to make it so. She's fun. I have three sets of friends. I don't know if that's stupid or not but One set is the kids [- 20-30) they are fun and not judgemental. then (35- 60)Pagan and not but more into what I'm into. Guys Nough said.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
It's Wednesday
Brooke came by and visited for a while it was really nice seeing her after so many years. She's in a scary place in her life. She recently lost her grandfather and is affecting her father where she is really concered more later.
Namaste Jo
Namaste Jo
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Friends are Forever Nov 17, 2009
Well things just keep getting so much better. I just heard from Brooke one of Rachel's friends from high school that became my friend years ago I was so happy to hear her voice. She's coming over tomorrow for lunch. Earlier Marc told me that David Aunt Erm's son just got married he is a surprise wrapped an enigma. Nikki left a message that Jack really likes the tea I made. I think I am going to have a new little hobby by making tea bags specifically for different ailments. Headaches, sinus problems, relaxation etc. So the abilify is working and my positive attitude makes more positive attitude. I don't mind no one reads this blog cause I know where it is and I print it out and glue it my journal so I remember things that happen.
Nikki paid her phone bill she is so sweet at least I don't have to bother her constantly. I hate to have to bother people. Catt also did her share. I'll need her before the end of the month but maybe not I hope not. Her son was in the hospital Byron and Brandon has to wear the anklet two more months. But Brian Jr is doing ok I guess. He's graduated high school and I don't think he has a job, but he's such a good boy.
This Facebook stuff is also kind of neat. People I haven't heard from in forever suddenly back in my life it's so kewl. I don't think I'll make it to NC for Thanksgiving my stye is still pretty active and I've been exhausted. I'll call mitchell later and talk to him about the whole thing.
Yesterday went with Catt to the hospital and then we met Ryan at the turning wheel and he bought me all sorts of really great stuff. Life is so wonderful.
Namaste JoDee
Nikki paid her phone bill she is so sweet at least I don't have to bother her constantly. I hate to have to bother people. Catt also did her share. I'll need her before the end of the month but maybe not I hope not. Her son was in the hospital Byron and Brandon has to wear the anklet two more months. But Brian Jr is doing ok I guess. He's graduated high school and I don't think he has a job, but he's such a good boy.
This Facebook stuff is also kind of neat. People I haven't heard from in forever suddenly back in my life it's so kewl. I don't think I'll make it to NC for Thanksgiving my stye is still pretty active and I've been exhausted. I'll call mitchell later and talk to him about the whole thing.
Yesterday went with Catt to the hospital and then we met Ryan at the turning wheel and he bought me all sorts of really great stuff. Life is so wonderful.
Namaste JoDee
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
