Vulvar Cancer Trying to keep positive

You are all such beautiful people. I have found a great community of people who truly understand what I am going through. What started out as what appeared to be a no big deal biopsy to a Tumor to now w/o monitoring my levels to Thyroid I would not be allowed to get my life saving tumor surgery.

And as I write all this. I never know how to link this all up to share with the very people who are helping me through this. If you are reading this post please let me know I am on f/b JoDee Davis I just would like to share the good the bad and the weird.

JoDee

Hello hello finally figured out how to add a post again. My memory has been rough. I thought I would change the name and then did it and then changed it back again. Originally I named it lilwizz after Rachel's aol email. Then I thought it might offend her but I've already screwed that up anyway so I might as well keep the original name. Since the last post was back in March I must have written about being in the hospital. So I took too much lithium because I was on antibiotics and was dehydrated which is dangerous and I almost died. Marc freaked out and kept telling me that I was going to need full time with a caregiver. I remember being upset which is why I think he was saying it. Evie and Dudah came to visit me in the hospital. Marc didn't want them to visit me because of monitoring of meds. Evie was in Florida in Rehab when our Heather died. I still think of her everyday. When I got home I made it clear that Evie could no longer do things that might put me in danger. She's been in Rehab twice since November. The one here in Maryland threw her out for inappropriate behavior and then wouldn't let her back in the program.

Dr. M cut my dosage and that freaked me out I just have to be very careful cause 2 months ago i ran out early and ended up in the ER they kept me overnight and wanted me seen by psychologist to see if I should be put me back in Mt. Pleasant. There was no way I was going back there. Marc picked up my meds and picked me up at the hospital. Then the world became very confused. Dr. Shapiro thought I might have kidney stones but they found a mass and nodules in my lungs instead. I saw a pulmonologist and he said that they were very small and he couldn't biopsy them because of the size. So I might have lung cancer. That frightens me because both my dad and my uncle both died of lung cancer on the same day, same year. My uncle in Ny and Dad in Florida. Mitch went to Florida to help Sheila but Jay and I didn't feel the need to. Why go down when she was such an abusive bitch. She should suffer.

Then Dr. M took a blood sample and I'm anemic so now I'm on Slo fen. I'm supposed get a poop sample to see if I've got blood in my gastro area. I haven't done it yet. I also need to get my cholesterol checked. I saw the Orthopedist and I need more x-ray's of my left knee. I have to get a knee replacement too much going on at once.

I also haven't sleep more than an hour at a time since 2 days ago. maybe I will be able to sleep a bit.

Conditions at Sinai Hospital Be afraid very Afraid!

I didn't know this was lingering in my drafts I know it repeats some of what I've said but I guess it adds also thanks contact me on facebook or Twitter I really want to know who reads my blogs. Jo



Was trying to tweet for some reason it's just too short. Was admitted to Sinai Monday Feb 3rd or 4th. Catatonic I was inside my head but had no capacity to speak. The next thing I was in a new wing 3 south (stroke unit- in a "clean Room" Think Nuclear plant. People entering had to wear caps, gowns, feet coverings, and gloves. I didn't have capacity to understand any of it. 

I suffer from many medical disorders, from immunological to MS. I used in hosp a walker. After I finally came back to life. I also suffer from Chemical Imbalances in my brain. Among other meds I take Lithium - I lost my adoptive daughter in January, My friends brother in law passed in a freak scuba diving accident (took me over a month to remember). And then in Feb Ida passed from cancer.

I'm also brilliant my IQ is above or at least 140. I have 4 bachelor degrees and a Master of Social work double concentration. I mention this for a reason.
I signed myself into Sinai's Psychiatric in patient Unit. Mt. Pleasant (wrong name for this place) 

Hospitals can help and hinder

Ok been avoiding this but it's time and I hope that my friends and others read this so they can understand where I'm coming from. Sometime before Superbowl Sunday my body starting shutting down. I had an infection and was on antibiotics which my friend was literally pushing down my throat to get me to take them. I take Lithium for Mood Disorders and clonopin for anxiety, and other meds for PTSD, OCD, Panic attacks etc. There was too much Lithium in my body and it wouldn't metabolize so oxygen was not getting to my brain and signals from the brain were not making it to my body and I went into a catatonic/coma state. I was not responding and I have no memory of the weeks before and days after I was in the hospital. 

During this time I went thru withdrawal from the Oxycontin I was on (I'm kinda glad I was not remembering this) I "woke" up in the Stroke Unit in a clean room - literally anyone coming into the room had to gown up. The doctors thought I might have MRSA an antibiotic resistant infection since I have had it twice before. They started me back on low doses of pain meds for my bladder pain. As time went on and the pain was more and more I kept asking to see the doctor and get more meds. This was so not a concern of the nursing staff. When The doctor finally came in it was a psychiatrist and I was told I needed to talk to the medical doctor. That took days and finally when She came in it was brutal - I was told I needed to sign myself into the psych ward. But my PAIN she said she would look into it. Needless to say no matter which doc or nurse I talked to they were not the right ones!!!

so I signed into the unit and it was 3 days before I got there. And still bugging the staff about pain meds. The Head Psychiatrist told me it would be taken care of. What he didn't tell me was he was going on vacation and I would get pot luck and a different doctor each time. There's so much more and I will write more later it's too difficult right now and I'm sitting here crying over what has happened.

Goddess Bless please leave me a note on Twitter or Facebook if you've read this. I need the support please. 

The Bladder Strikes at midnight!

That sounds like a mystery novel. One that I would so desperately want to solve. If u have read any of my blogs u undoubtedly know that I have Interstitial Cystitis ie. OverActive Bladder. Painful Bladder Syndrome - originally called Hunner's Ulcers (Back in the 1890`s. ) I still think the original name is the best. The overactive bladder makes it sound like fluff. The fact that this disease has destroyed my family, my life, my work does not go with "overactive bladder" like gee she just pee's a lot. I also have excruciating pain, Can't walk w/o a cane. Have difficulty driving and suffer from so many mental illnesses it's new name just doesn't cut it.

Sometimes it's so much I just want it to stop - but not my whole life to stop. I keep looking for clinical trials so maybe I can help find a cure. 

END 

Another Draft that needs to be put in blog

Well I'm on a blog  http://lilwizz-goddess.blogspot.com/ it may be depressing for some people to read.. I have a lot of fears I wake up neurotic I stay that way most of the day and go to sleep in fear. I suffer from BiPolar Disorder,  Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, OCD, Disassociative Disorder used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder to cope with all the abuse I suffered as a child. But that's also what made me the person I am today. But when I freak out sometimes I go too far like tonight with my Roommate/boyfriend Marc. It's listed on FaceBook I'll copy  it and put it on my lilwizz blog. Which was my daughter's name on the internet. She no longer speaks to me. Right around her 30th birthdate and it hurts so very very much. I've tried to reconnect but she isn't having any of it. I pray I don't die without seeing her again and God will Bless me.
This was printed on the get old blog spot.

in 2nd post attache to previous blog

Adding this to the last blog that I thought I lost it. But it's new so it won't appear for at least 48 hours - I hope to get more people to read this blog. The name is the one that was used by my daughter on AOL for years.

I miss her so very much. She stopped talking to me around July around her 30th birthday. I've tried to contact her in so many ways but no response. I haven't seen my son for over 10 years - when he was about 18 - he says I was a monster. He was molested by 2 females a few years older than him when he was 12 - but I didn't really react correctly to the whole thing. But I think in his mind there is more to be angry at me. 

http://www.getold.com/?utm_source=0&utm_medium=266029504&utm_campaign=91621427

I wrote a whole thing and then accidently deleted it. I guess God didn't think I should share the information. I was saying that I miss my kids. Rachel my daughter stopped talking to me when she turned 30 in 2012. My son stopped talking to me almost 8 or 9 years ago. He said I was a monster. Things happened  that really hurt him. At age 12 Two older girls hurt him in bad ways and I didn't protect him. I miss him so very very much. But the Daughter that just kills me. because she wrote so many things about never leaving me. Right now I can't put those on here but another time I will. I've accepted Philip Merrel's decisions, But Rachel Ilene Lena I never thought it would turn out this way. May Goddess bless her and keep her safe.

JoD
Ita Keyley  (my Celtic name - My grandfather was Irish)  

 

What will become of Me

Well lets see what is up today. I wrote in my personal journal. My Dr. wants me to print it out and show it to him because I let him know that I wanted to be with God and not be on the earthly plane. He wants me to go to the ER if It gets too vivid. He's afraid I might really hurt myself. Hate to admit it but I have tried suicide before - the first time when I was 13 after being abused and raped by a relative for almost 6  years. And after my best friend whom I had a very special relationship - my BFF self terminated in 1995 - This person had mental issues but was able to get a gun - and used it. My BFF had planned it all out. Six months later I overdosed. An angel guided me to the hospital and saved my life. My daughter Rachel made me promise not to ever do it again. But she is gone from my life so the only time I will ever see her again is when we are both with God. No one seems to notice me. 
I Try and facebook and twitter very rare anybody acknowledges     me. So who would really miss me? I actually have been posting a poem about who would miss me. Nobody ever said they would miss me. No one even reads this blog even though I've posted the address on my twitter account. If I died tomorrow no one would care
. peace out 

New Year please be good

I hope that all will be well this New Year. My heart is so heavy, it's breaking Rachel hasn't spoken to me in months. I've reached out to her biological dad who lives not far from her and he's ignoring me too. I cry all the time and sometimes think about doing away with myself. I have the means.

my child Rachel

I guess it doesn't matter if other people read my blog, but if you are reading this I hope you can relate to it in some way. I've been updating my twitter followers and whom I am following. Wrote my ex an email trying to get answers about my daughter Rachel and why did she stop talking to me. I'm trying not to continue calling her and writing to her. I also apologized to him for certain things that I was responsible for during our married life. I guess a lot of it was that I met him when I was age 17. Got engaged on my 18th birthday and married shortly after my 19th birthday. Got pregnant after my 20th birthday and gave birth the following July. It's not what my ex wanted but once she was here He loved her like no other. Ok I'm getting upset now.

Still hurting but getting better

I need to figure out to promote this blog is confusing to me. I pray for all the beautiful innocent children and teacher the 26 - My good dead Will be to help train dogs to help the children  sometimes and animals help so much..many with mental stress and issues. They dont have to be in Connecticut but where we all are. Because we are all effected. Please If there is someone in your life that perhaps you argued with or had a falling out remember life end so fast. Now is the time to do it if you havent straightened it out do before it to late.\

All but for the llittle children

As if the shooting deaths in Conn were not bad enough the christian or so called christian group that pickets soldiers funerals all over the country will be rearing it's ugly head at the funerals of the children who died 20 children whose families don't need the extra stress and pain. What is wrong with these people? At first when I read the social media I thought a pagan was making the weird statement then I went on to the site and realized it was in response to these people
(hate to even call them that, but I have a heart and they don't) What could they accomplish by this hateful act. Jesus would be so disappoint in them. They are not acting in a Pius way!

May Goddess bless all the children, Teachers, parents of all who perished, including the mother of the gunman and yes even the gunman. May Goddess bless you too for reading this blog.

 

Still can't sleep

Well I broke down and took a sleeping  still isn't workin. So too 2 more.Some times I think I should take less so I won't s be Shaking. Just an Idea anyway.

What is pain?

Over the past few days there has been a lot of pain for so many people. For the people of New Towne Conn. 20 beautiful  children will not be around to open the holiday gifts. 6 adults won't be around to guide them. Across town a son kills his mother and initially the press blames his older brother. AND Why will we ever know. So much senseless death. Most of my friends have lost children to drug overdoses, car crashes and just bad luck. Marc lost his brother-in -law over the summer while he was scuba diving, my foster daughter heather did in September just driving the road. My whole body aches at these deaths and here I have 2 biological children who despise me for what I do not know. Each day the pain digs deep inside of my. I have severe memory problems since being in a Catatonic state. It's been very frightening With Rachel she stopped talking right before her 30 birthday. She was calculation in doing it at this time. She said she needed just a little time and it's been over 6 months. She is the heart of my hearts and I would do so much with her if she would just open her heart again. The other child I believe is a lost cause although I will keep trying.

Please Dear Goddess I want my kids back. Help me find a way.]

Ita Keyley 

How to Understand Men

Made a new friend on facebook yesterday and now he just loves to chat with me to the exclusively tried another page I m complicated. So March Took me out to dinner last night we went to 'The Red Robin"  He paid for dinner and I did the tip. We also went to the bank and toke of his banking. Got up to early again so I took an amien hopeful I will get a little sleep I'm watch the food Nework. I love all the shows. Saturdays are my day to just watch the shows. But I had some errands to run and when my guys come to big me up I gotta go. They are nice enough to help me out.

Going to rest for a little make sure I mark down what meds I too. And figure out Monica. I will write more later.

JoDee

Well today was an interesting day. I got friended by a really nice man in his 30's from overseas. His picture shows him to be adorable. He makes me feel really good about myself!! (Don't worry Marc I still love you above all else) but this was so good for my self-esteem so last night I got my sleeping meds wish they worked all through the night they only last about 4-6 hours. Have so much I have to do but my phobia's are really in force. I miss my daughter so much. I pray each day that God return her spirit to me. Maybe by the new year. But I don't think it will happen. I just have to accept that she is not now nor never will be again apart of my life. So God please watch over her and protect her She's really a very good person.

Namaste
Jo

Oxymoron

Just a quick note. I tried to sign up for a website for disable people and it took me so long to fill out the form the site said try again later. It's going to take the same amount of time. It's silly if you are for helping disabilities there should be no time limit. Especially for Traumatic brain injuries. JoDee

Awake Early Again

Good Morning: So the interstitial cystitis gets me again. Once I'm awake then I get hungry have to watch the diabetic stuff. So many disabilities trying to get SSD I have literally had to think medical 24hours a day. How do I define myself? I can't get SSI unless I'm homeless (what the hell is that about?) 

Emotionally I'm so shaken up.  In November I was in the hospital - did I write about this already? My daughter always accused me of repeating myself = well I do because I can't remember. So back to Nov. my friend found me virtually in a coma - I couldn't communicate, take meds, eat, drink or go to bathroom. I remember the TV being on and knowing something was wrong = the pictures were moving and talking to me like an Alice in Wonderland. There was nothing I could do I could hear Marc at first but couldn't react. When he told me he was going to call 911 at that point - I totally checked out. (One of the Rabbi's in the hospital said to me that I'd had a lot of trauma and my mind decided to go to a hotel!!!)

Marc fought to have me put in Neurology and not Mental Health cause he had never seen me like this. I don't remember the ambulance coming, or being in the ER or even tests like bloodwork. I'm a hard stick and they tried to go in my groin *no memory of this at all. I was black and blue on both arms, hands and groin. I remember someone putting a straw in my mouth and I drank until it was air. It was horrible and frightening. I know that they ran MRI or CAT scans I hate the tubes and for that I'm glad I don't remember. After a week I agreed to go to the Mental Health Unit.

Because I had not had all my meds in I don't know how long. I figured this would get me back in game. I hate to say this but I'm on 6 different psychiatric meds. I'm bi-polar, anxiety ridden, Phobic, OCD, somewhat agoraphobic, I have massive dreams that scare me. Oh I'm sure there's more too. I try and keep good attitude but it's depressing and frustrating.

In July my daughter disowned me = my son did it over 9 years ago I thought I was a good mom I just don't know. Then Louis age 39 died in a scuba diving accident, Heather age 25 died in a car accident. So 3 horrible things and maybe more that I don't remember. Well that's it for now - thanks for reading 
Namaste Jo

Well it's been awhile (or so the Staind song goes) I have some difficulty with my ability to communicate and write since way back in 2011- Have been hospitalized about 4 times. This last time I was taken by ambulance I was in a catatonic state. I am blessed to live with someone who was watching out of for me and call 911. I have no recollection of any of it. I sort of "woke" up several days later in the neurology  Unit at the hospital. All I really remember is someone putting a straw up to my lips and me drinking like there was no tomorrow!!

I was black and blue all over from where they tried to get blood and put a line in. I'm grateful actually that I don't remember that. They even tried a center line in my groin!!! After all the brain stuff - they decided I could use to be in the Mental Health Unit to get my meds straightened out since I had not been taking them due to being in a catatonic state. I was still really out of it when they brought the papers for me to be a voluntary inpatient. I really didn't have a problem with it, I wanted to get straightened out and go home.

I was in St. Joe's unit in July 2012. I was at an appt with my Shrink and became incoherent so he sent me to the ER to be admitted. So I spent 2 weeks there. This was right before my beautiful Heather Passed away after a car accident. And Marc's brother in law passed after a scuba diving accident. I guess after all of that is it any wonder I decided to mentally check out?

So there's more that I haven't remembered - I did have relearn to read and write but that came back quicker than my memories. My son disowned me almost 8 years ago and my Rachel right before her 30th birthday this year. For all the pain Rachel has inflicted on me she has the nerve to tell me I'm the problem. Even when I was in the hospital she refused to acknowledge me. I am finally realizing that you know what it's not me it's her. I have the right to be angry. I almost died and she didn't give a crap. They say what you send out in the universe comes back at you three fold - I don't wish her any harm but it will come back at her.

Jo   .