New Year please be good

I hope that all will be well this New Year. My heart is so heavy, it's breaking Rachel hasn't spoken to me in months. I've reached out to her biological dad who lives not far from her and he's ignoring me too. I cry all the time and sometimes think about doing away with myself. I have the means.

my child Rachel

I guess it doesn't matter if other people read my blog, but if you are reading this I hope you can relate to it in some way. I've been updating my twitter followers and whom I am following. Wrote my ex an email trying to get answers about my daughter Rachel and why did she stop talking to me. I'm trying not to continue calling her and writing to her. I also apologized to him for certain things that I was responsible for during our married life. I guess a lot of it was that I met him when I was age 17. Got engaged on my 18th birthday and married shortly after my 19th birthday. Got pregnant after my 20th birthday and gave birth the following July. It's not what my ex wanted but once she was here He loved her like no other. Ok I'm getting upset now.

Still hurting but getting better

I need to figure out to promote this blog is confusing to me. I pray for all the beautiful innocent children and teacher the 26 - My good dead Will be to help train dogs to help the children  sometimes and animals help so much..many with mental stress and issues. They dont have to be in Connecticut but where we all are. Because we are all effected. Please If there is someone in your life that perhaps you argued with or had a falling out remember life end so fast. Now is the time to do it if you havent straightened it out do before it to late.\

All but for the llittle children

As if the shooting deaths in Conn were not bad enough the christian or so called christian group that pickets soldiers funerals all over the country will be rearing it's ugly head at the funerals of the children who died 20 children whose families don't need the extra stress and pain. What is wrong with these people? At first when I read the social media I thought a pagan was making the weird statement then I went on to the site and realized it was in response to these people
(hate to even call them that, but I have a heart and they don't) What could they accomplish by this hateful act. Jesus would be so disappoint in them. They are not acting in a Pius way!

May Goddess bless all the children, Teachers, parents of all who perished, including the mother of the gunman and yes even the gunman. May Goddess bless you too for reading this blog.

 

Still can't sleep

Well I broke down and took a sleeping  still isn't workin. So too 2 more.Some times I think I should take less so I won't s be Shaking. Just an Idea anyway.

What is pain?

Over the past few days there has been a lot of pain for so many people. For the people of New Towne Conn. 20 beautiful  children will not be around to open the holiday gifts. 6 adults won't be around to guide them. Across town a son kills his mother and initially the press blames his older brother. AND Why will we ever know. So much senseless death. Most of my friends have lost children to drug overdoses, car crashes and just bad luck. Marc lost his brother-in -law over the summer while he was scuba diving, my foster daughter heather did in September just driving the road. My whole body aches at these deaths and here I have 2 biological children who despise me for what I do not know. Each day the pain digs deep inside of my. I have severe memory problems since being in a Catatonic state. It's been very frightening With Rachel she stopped talking right before her 30 birthday. She was calculation in doing it at this time. She said she needed just a little time and it's been over 6 months. She is the heart of my hearts and I would do so much with her if she would just open her heart again. The other child I believe is a lost cause although I will keep trying.

Please Dear Goddess I want my kids back. Help me find a way.]

Ita Keyley 

How to Understand Men

Made a new friend on facebook yesterday and now he just loves to chat with me to the exclusively tried another page I m complicated. So March Took me out to dinner last night we went to 'The Red Robin"  He paid for dinner and I did the tip. We also went to the bank and toke of his banking. Got up to early again so I took an amien hopeful I will get a little sleep I'm watch the food Nework. I love all the shows. Saturdays are my day to just watch the shows. But I had some errands to run and when my guys come to big me up I gotta go. They are nice enough to help me out.

Going to rest for a little make sure I mark down what meds I too. And figure out Monica. I will write more later.

JoDee

Well today was an interesting day. I got friended by a really nice man in his 30's from overseas. His picture shows him to be adorable. He makes me feel really good about myself!! (Don't worry Marc I still love you above all else) but this was so good for my self-esteem so last night I got my sleeping meds wish they worked all through the night they only last about 4-6 hours. Have so much I have to do but my phobia's are really in force. I miss my daughter so much. I pray each day that God return her spirit to me. Maybe by the new year. But I don't think it will happen. I just have to accept that she is not now nor never will be again apart of my life. So God please watch over her and protect her She's really a very good person.

Namaste
Jo

Oxymoron

Just a quick note. I tried to sign up for a website for disable people and it took me so long to fill out the form the site said try again later. It's going to take the same amount of time. It's silly if you are for helping disabilities there should be no time limit. Especially for Traumatic brain injuries. JoDee

Awake Early Again

Good Morning: So the interstitial cystitis gets me again. Once I'm awake then I get hungry have to watch the diabetic stuff. So many disabilities trying to get SSD I have literally had to think medical 24hours a day. How do I define myself? I can't get SSI unless I'm homeless (what the hell is that about?) 

Emotionally I'm so shaken up.  In November I was in the hospital - did I write about this already? My daughter always accused me of repeating myself = well I do because I can't remember. So back to Nov. my friend found me virtually in a coma - I couldn't communicate, take meds, eat, drink or go to bathroom. I remember the TV being on and knowing something was wrong = the pictures were moving and talking to me like an Alice in Wonderland. There was nothing I could do I could hear Marc at first but couldn't react. When he told me he was going to call 911 at that point - I totally checked out. (One of the Rabbi's in the hospital said to me that I'd had a lot of trauma and my mind decided to go to a hotel!!!)

Marc fought to have me put in Neurology and not Mental Health cause he had never seen me like this. I don't remember the ambulance coming, or being in the ER or even tests like bloodwork. I'm a hard stick and they tried to go in my groin *no memory of this at all. I was black and blue on both arms, hands and groin. I remember someone putting a straw in my mouth and I drank until it was air. It was horrible and frightening. I know that they ran MRI or CAT scans I hate the tubes and for that I'm glad I don't remember. After a week I agreed to go to the Mental Health Unit.

Because I had not had all my meds in I don't know how long. I figured this would get me back in game. I hate to say this but I'm on 6 different psychiatric meds. I'm bi-polar, anxiety ridden, Phobic, OCD, somewhat agoraphobic, I have massive dreams that scare me. Oh I'm sure there's more too. I try and keep good attitude but it's depressing and frustrating.

In July my daughter disowned me = my son did it over 9 years ago I thought I was a good mom I just don't know. Then Louis age 39 died in a scuba diving accident, Heather age 25 died in a car accident. So 3 horrible things and maybe more that I don't remember. Well that's it for now - thanks for reading 
Namaste Jo

Well it's been awhile (or so the Staind song goes) I have some difficulty with my ability to communicate and write since way back in 2011- Have been hospitalized about 4 times. This last time I was taken by ambulance I was in a catatonic state. I am blessed to live with someone who was watching out of for me and call 911. I have no recollection of any of it. I sort of "woke" up several days later in the neurology  Unit at the hospital. All I really remember is someone putting a straw up to my lips and me drinking like there was no tomorrow!!

I was black and blue all over from where they tried to get blood and put a line in. I'm grateful actually that I don't remember that. They even tried a center line in my groin!!! After all the brain stuff - they decided I could use to be in the Mental Health Unit to get my meds straightened out since I had not been taking them due to being in a catatonic state. I was still really out of it when they brought the papers for me to be a voluntary inpatient. I really didn't have a problem with it, I wanted to get straightened out and go home.

I was in St. Joe's unit in July 2012. I was at an appt with my Shrink and became incoherent so he sent me to the ER to be admitted. So I spent 2 weeks there. This was right before my beautiful Heather Passed away after a car accident. And Marc's brother in law passed after a scuba diving accident. I guess after all of that is it any wonder I decided to mentally check out?

So there's more that I haven't remembered - I did have relearn to read and write but that came back quicker than my memories. My son disowned me almost 8 years ago and my Rachel right before her 30th birthday this year. For all the pain Rachel has inflicted on me she has the nerve to tell me I'm the problem. Even when I was in the hospital she refused to acknowledge me. I am finally realizing that you know what it's not me it's her. I have the right to be angry. I almost died and she didn't give a crap. They say what you send out in the universe comes back at you three fold - I don't wish her any harm but it will come back at her.

Jo   .